Bad jokes..... NWS

Discussion in 'The BS Topic' started by Peck, Aug 7, 2019.

  1. xten

    xten Veteran Member

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    That took a minute Terry, then the dim bulb came on. Got it! lol
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2019
  2. xten

    xten Veteran Member

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    Confucius say;
    Oral sex makes one's day.
    Anal sex makes one's hole weak.
     
    Dave Nelson and Coadster32 like this.
  3. xten

    xten Veteran Member

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    Lady: Do you drink?
    Man: Yes
    Lady: How much a day?
    Man: 3 six packs
    Lady: How much per six pack
    Man: about $10.00
    Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
    Man: 15 years
    Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which
    puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be
    $10,800 correct?
    Man: Correct
    Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the
    past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
    Man: Correct
    Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been
    put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
    compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a
    Ferrari?
    Man: Do you drink?
    Lady: No
    Man: Where's your f#cking Ferrari?
     
  4. xten

    xten Veteran Member

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    An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

    The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

    The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

    "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"
     
  5. Twisted_Metal

    Twisted_Metal Administrator Staff Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    Not really a joke, but it's a true story which happened last week...

    My GF loves shopping... I only go "Buying". (And only when it's not available, for less, on-line.)

    She's quite understanding about my lack of excitement towards shopping for mundane things... Like groceries.
    But, she appreciates that I try to be helpful.

    We walk into the grocery store and I ask to see "the list".

    upload_2019-8-13_20-16-11.jpeg

    I took a pic of the list with my cell-phone and headed off with a grocery cart (with a wobbly wheel) while she takes a basket to go "shopping" for personal stuff... Razors, shampoo, etc.

    I get the TP and paper towels then head for the dairy area.
    I find the milk, butter, coffee creamer. (There's 17 varieties of creamer but no pumpkin spice, yet. I decide we're getting "French Vanilla". )

    I find the Kraft singles, but... I can't seem to find the pre-sliced "havarti" cheese.
    I get the bacon and a couple of other things and she's still at the other end of the store... "Shopping".

    I shove my cart (with the wobbly wheel) the 150 yards across the store to tell her I can't find the cheese she wants.

    She tells me "It's in alphabetical order on the shelf.... American, asiago, cheddar, feta, gouda, havarti..."
    "If you get to the muenster and provolone... You've gone too far."

    I'm impressed with her knowledge of the details of the store layout and head back to the dairy section, with my wobbly wheeled cart, determined to find that havarti cheese.

    After searching through every row and column of cheese... I still cant' find the havarti. :(

    By this time... I've given up on the cheese, found the lunch meat and gone back for the Dew.
    She finally catches up with me about the time I decided to give the search for havarti one more try.

    I told her I understand the cheese is in alphabetical order but, I can't find it!
    So, I asked... "How do you spell "Havarti"?"

    She is now searching the cheese selections herself and responds... "H-a-v-a-r-t-i"... Just the way I spelled it on the list!

    I looked at the list on my phone and said, Oh....You left out the "F"!

    She looks at me like my eyebrows had suddenly grown into a solid bush across my forehead and says...
    "There's no "F" in havarti!"
    .
    .
    .

    That's EXACTLY what I've been saying!!!!

    I let that sink in for a few seconds then pushed the cart towards the bread aisle with a stupid grin on my face.

    ;)
     
  6. Lowend

    Lowend Administrator. .a car, a man, a maraca. Staff Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    What's the difference between a religion and a cult.

    In a cult, there's a guy at the top who knows everything is b*llsh*t
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    In a religion, that guy is dead
     
  7. gramps

    gramps Veteran Member

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    Lmao I had to read that a couple times myself before the lightbulb lit up.
     
  8. Happy_Dan

    Happy_Dan Veteran Member

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    ...... and that's when the fight started. Sleep with one eye open!
     
  9. ol' grouch

    ol' grouch Veteran Member

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    A couple of old nerds tend to meet in the afternoon to play Dungeons and Dragons. They've been doing it for years. One day, the first one was waiting for the second one to come walking down the sidewalk when he sees him riding a fairly new bicycle. When he rolls up, the first one asks, "Where'd you get the bike?" The second one says "I was walking over here and this gorgeous blonde rides by, looks at me, turns around and rides back. She gets off the bike and walks over under a tree and takes all her clothes off. Then she laid down and said 'Take what you want!'. So I took the bike". The first nerd thinks for a minute and says "Good choice, her clothes probably wouldn't fit."
     
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  10. jeff swisher

    jeff swisher Veteran Member

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    I read the list and Fresh milk is on it.
    I applaud the person who wrote it so neatly . Excellent hand writing.
    Just Fresh milk threw me ..as opposed to not fresh milk.
     
    dave@ztech and Peck like this.

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