Bad jokes..... NWS

Discussion in 'The BS Topic' started by Peck, Aug 7, 2019.

  1. Peck

    Peck Veteran Member

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    Ya the not fresh milk is sour cream
     
  2. Twisted_Metal

    Twisted_Metal Administrator Staff Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    Yes, she has the nicest handwriting I've ever seen, especially considering she writes left-handed.

    I think she was looking at the date on the milk carton in the frig when she wrote it.
    (We already had some "not fresh" milk.)

    BTW... The Havarti cheese was eventually found in the Deli section. :eek:
    But you had to ring for somebody to come and slice it off the big block.
     
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  3. RS1979

    RS1979 Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    Terry that was awesome
     
  4. Smokey15

    Smokey15 Veteran Member

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    A penguin is driving across the desert when he smells something strange. He pulls over and checks under his car. A bit a transmission fluid is leaking. Figuring it could get worse, he heads to the nearest town where he spots a large service garage. Parking out front, he goes in to see the shop foreman. After hearing the penguin's story, the foreman agrees to check out the problem. He tells the penguin, It'll be a bit, but I'll get someone on it. Meanwhile, why don't you check out our little town and make yourself to home. So off goes the penguin. He strolls through town a bit but it's too darned hot for him out in the sun. Spotting an icecream shoppe the penguin goes in. He gets himself a huge boat of vanilla icecream and finds a spot at a table to enjoy it. The small spoon he has just isn't doing the job, so he puts it down and goes at the icecream boat with his flippers. Now he was getting somewhere! As he finished, he realized he was a bit of a mess from eating so rapidly. he decides to go back to the service garage, check on his car and use their restroom to clean up. As he heads in the door, he spots the shop foreman. He asks him if they got the chance to check out his car. To which the foreman replies,Looks like you blew a seal. The penguin retorts, Oh no, that's icecream!
     
  5. dcozzi

    dcozzi Veteran Member

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    I heard even though the lesbians travel lickety split, the gay guys get there first because they packed their s#!t the night before.
     
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  6. dcozzi

    dcozzi Veteran Member

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    The moral of the story

    In the fourth grade class the teacher asked the children to demonstrate stories with a moral. The first one up is little Jane. She says my mama was out in the chicken coop and she said the chickens had 12 eggs. Over the next week eight of them hatched and the other four didn't. The moral of the story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
    Young Billy is up next. He says my stories about eggs too. My mama was bringing home the eggs from the chicken coop in the basket and she tripped and fell and they all broke. The moral of that story is don't put all your eggs in one basket.
    The last boy up is little Larry. Larry proceedes to tell the class, "My uncle Ned was in Vietnam and while he was flying over the jungle his plane got shot down. He grabbed a rifle, 100 rounds of ammunition, a case of beer, threw on a parachute and jumped out. On his way down he drank the whole case of beer. When he hit the ground, he was surrounded by the enemy and started shooting. When his bullets ran out he killed the rest of the enemy soldiers with his knife." The teacher said, "Larry that is an absolute awful story what could possibly be the moral?" Larry says, "The moral of the story is you don't f*** with uncle Ned when he's drunk."
     
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  7. ggtsvnv

    ggtsvnv Veteran Member

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    So a young blond lady with a sugar daddy has been getting too many speeding tickets in her BMW. However even though daddy warned her that if she gets another ticket he'll take the BMW away, she just can't stop speeding. A few days later she gets pulled over by a state trooper for doing 95 in a 45 zone. The trooper walks up and the blond starts crying and saying "is there anything I can do to not get a speeding ticket ?" So the trooper unzips his pants and pulls out his member and sticks it in the window of the car. The blond starts crying harder and says " not a breathalyzer test also!"
     
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  8. ggtsvnv

    ggtsvnv Veteran Member

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    So two good old boys living in Oklahoma are board and decide to move to California. Early one morning they head out driving. Soon they come to the Great State of Texas and set out across it. After hours of driving they still have a long way to go to cross Texas and the passenger starts complaining about how long it takes. So the driver agreeing speeds up. Well sure enough after awhile they get pulled over by a trooper for speeding. The officer walks up and says " boy why are you speeding?" The driver replies "well officer we are going to California and Texas is so big that i didn't think we would ever get across it doing the speed limit ". The officer state's dam right Texas is big! And you know what? We have big tickets for speedsters". So the officer collects the required paperwork and heads back to his patrol car. After a few minutes he comes back to the car and hands the ticket to the driver. He then slaps the driver up side the head and says "don't speed in Texas no more". He then proceeds around the car and taps on the passenger side window. The passenger rolls the window down and the officer slaps him up side the head. "Ouch! Why did you do that? " the passenger yells. "I'm making your wish come true" states the officer. "What wish?" The passenger questions. The trooper says "the wish you were going to make five miles down where you were going to say: I wish he would have pulled that sh!t with me!"
     
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  9. xten

    xten Veteran Member

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    Trooper sitting at the WVa., Va. border pulls over a car going 90 mph. As he walks up to the car, he asks "What's the hurry?"
    Guy says "I'm late for a Shriner's circus for troubled children. I'm one of the entertainers and I'm late."
    Cop says "what type of entertainer?"
    Guy says "Juggler."
    Cop says "I love juggling! Tell you what, I'll let you go if you juggle for me."
    Guy says "My props were sent ahead, so I don't have anything to juggle."
    Cop says "Wait a minute, I've got something you can juggle." He walks back to the patrol car, pops the trunk and gets out three flairs. On the way back, the officer lights all three flairs. As the guy is standing on the side of the road juggling the lit flairs, a car pulls in behind the police car. The driver gets out, gets in the back seat of the police car and closes the door. Cop walks over to the police car and asks the guy what he's doing, to which the guy says "If that's the sobriety test here in Virginia, you might as well just take my drunk a$$ to jail right now!"
     
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  10. xten

    xten Veteran Member

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    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

    'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'


    The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'


    The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
     
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