Need advise on dealing with young kids and defiant behavior

Discussion in 'The BS Topic' started by 76_TypeLT, Dec 10, 2018.

  1. 76_TypeLT

    76_TypeLT Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    I have a 3 year old son and an 18 month old daughter and they are generally good kids. Our son is at that age where he is pushing the boundaries and seeing what he can and can't get away with, which I understand, that is part of growing up. My wife and I won't tolerate certain things, like horsing around at the dinner table, pushing/hitting others or requiring us to tell him to do (or not do) something 3 times, just to give some examples. He still is a 3 year old boy, so we have to keep that in mind. If he does those kinds of things then he gets punished, which typically means reflecting on his bad behavior on the "naughty step" and then we have a talk. If he is REALLY defiant, then we will go as giving him a bath and he goes straight to bed, which we HATE doing because that is a crappy way to end the night.

    So I need a reality check - how harsh is too harsh for dealing with a 3 year old? We won't allow our kids to run all over us (we see how other parents let that happen) but I also don't want to be the kind of dad who is an a-hole all the time. He is still so young that I am not sure a punishment like bath/bed has the desired impact. We are trying to find a balance between setting boundaries and levying relevant punishments (we won't do corporal punishment) but not being "nazi parents" either that our kids don't want to be around.
     
  2. Smokey15

    Smokey15 Veteran Member

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    You are doing right by setting firm boundaries. You cannot waffle or waiver, no exceptions. We have a bunch of Grandkids and GreatGrandkids. At any gathering, it doesn't take long to know which kids are being parented correctly where inappropriate behavior is not tolerated. By teaching them while they are young, you avoid the harder job of doing it after they become "those little hellions" that people steer clear of along with their parents. You'll also notice that when your kids are in the presence of the "hellions", they play to the lowest denominator. It's hard to explain to them why little so-and-so gets away with murder when they are not allowed to. That is a great time to take the time to explain why. You may have to explain more than you'd think you should have to, but as they get older, it sinks in, especially when they are accepted by adults and they notice others are more avoided. I know all kids should be treat the same, but its a fact that no one likes to be around a spoiled brat.
     
  3. 351maverick

    351maverick Veteran Member

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    mine are 9 & 11

    a good smack across their ass will get their attention REAL quick

    to Hell with what some child psychologist might say about that
     
  4. Happy_Dan

    Happy_Dan Veteran Member

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    Well, I have six daughters that are ages 40-33 now. I was called tough when I was raising them, but as hard is it was, I ALWAYS stayed consistent. Many times I wanted to laugh at their antics but I didn't.

    It's EASY now! But you are setting the foundation now for later. I would always tell them if they do "this" then "that" is what will happen. Do you want to pay the price? The key was to stay consistent as I said. For example, "Your mother asked you to clean your room, if it's not done by dinner, you are not going to the dance next Friday". If it was not done, I wouldn't let the fact a week passed and I would really like to see them go to the dance affect me. They would NOT go to the dance. They learned pretty quick I would say what I meant and meant what I said so when expectations were set, they were real.

    Very rarely did they get that smack in the ass, but when warranted they did! It would be similar to the scenario above. The comment would be if you do 'x" I am going to spank you. They knew there would be a consequence and it would hurt.

    Having said that it all changes as they get older. Assuming you set that foundation correctly and they learned the values, then you use different approaches and it's much harder.

    There is no real formula and I have seen many a bad kid come from good parents and many good kids come from bad parents. You can only do your best to teach them right from wrong. There are many other influences and experiences of their own that will influence them as well.

    There is no manual although as men, we wouldn't read it anyway.

    By the way, I am very luck and very blessed. They all turned out great. Our youngest has Down's Syndrome and her sisters are amazing with her. The rest are all married, independent, have great families and take care of me more than I take care of them now. ;)
     
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  5. ol' grouch

    ol' grouch Veteran Member

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    I don't have any kids but have helped raise several over the years. I'm usually more of a big brother but when I say "NO", I mean no. I'll joke and say they aren't riding their bike unless they have their brain bucket on. If they really push it, I pull out an old helmet with a chunk out of the front. I then tell them it nearly knocked me off my motorcycle when that rock hit me after taking out the windshield. The trick is to show them something cool then explain why something is done a certain way.

    The only time I ever resorted to smacking one was when he raised his hand to his mother. I laid a belt where it would be the most good. I started to chase him up the stairs but stopped as the point was made and I'd have probably knocked the snot out of him. Limits were just that, limits.
     
  6. Shizzle

    Shizzle Veteran Member

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    I’d get the crack across the ass if I did wrong. I was also told to sit in the corner, but would fall asleep so that would defeat the punishment.
    Also my dad would hang me on a door knob by my belt.
     
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  7. dcozzi

    dcozzi Veteran Member

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    I have a 6 year old boy and the only way I can make an impression on him, is immediate consequences when he willfully disobeys. Taking away a favorite toy or a privilege seems to work as long as I calmly tell him why I am doing it and how he can earn it back with good behavior.
    If you always get mad when they disobey, they get used to it and it loses impact. (My mom would rarely get visibly angry but, when she did, you knew you were screwed.)
    I also like to let him know that sometimes his actions hurt his mother's and my feelings. He is a very caring boy so he identifies with that.
    I think I have spanked him once in his life.

    I am far from perfect but, I keep trying. I sometimes have a short fuse.

    I can tell you care because you want your kids to do as they are told out of respect. Respect for you and, although they may not know it yet, themselves. You want them to behave because it benefits both you and them. If your kids do what you ask out of respect for you, not fear or coercion, you win.
     
  8. Knuckle Dragger

    Knuckle Dragger Mayor of Simpleton Staff Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    You just have to be consistent and patient, there is no magic fix. I have a 14 and 18 year old. It's work the whole way through and a struggle. What worked for the 18 year old didn't work on the 14 year old. IMO there is a time and place for spanking but it sure isn't the fix all some lay it out to believe. You can raise good kids without the belt. The fact you care enough to look for alternative ideas for discipline leads me to believe you're on the right track to good kids.
     
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  9. Peck

    Peck Veteran Member

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    Staying calm and firm is more effective then then random excessive punishments. You are disciplining not punishing, the definitions are different as is the intent going into the situation.
     
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  10. 76_TypeLT

    76_TypeLT Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    Right, that is my goal right now, i.e. teach them that actions, good and bad, have consequences. Reward good behavior and punish bad behavior and do it consistently, as you say. I just see how other parents are too "hands off" and their kids do whatever they want.
     

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