Need advise on dealing with young kids and defiant behavior

Discussion in 'The BS Topic' started by 76_TypeLT, Dec 10, 2018.

  1. 76_TypeLT

    76_TypeLT Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    thanks, we just want our kids to be productive members of society and understand that boundaries and limits exist and to respect them. But at the same time we don't want them to be afraid of challenging limits, which is why I understand (so I say) why he does what he does. He really is a good boy and fun to be around. He is rarely malicious or mean, so I think I need to focus on disciplining them (rather than punishing), be consistent but also adapt based on what motivates them. Based on your stories it's clear that every child is motivated by different things (time out, taking away toys, etc). His little brain is still developing and I have to remind myself he is like a drunk person, lol. I hate being mean/angry so I will take a different approach when he is "extra" bad.
     
  2. dcozzi

    dcozzi Veteran Member

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    That is funny. They are like a drunk.

    If it were only this simple:

    Hi is opening the door with one hand, cradling a baby in the
    other.

    ED
    Which one ya get?

    As he gets into the driver's seat:

    HI
    I dunno. Nathan Jr., I think.

    ED
    Gimme here.

    He hands her the infant, then hands her the copy of Dr.Spock's
    Baby and Child Care.

    HI
    Here's the instructions.

    :)
     
  3. carr911

    carr911 Veteran Member

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    I think this is a Key! My Dad was always mad, so I didn't listen much. However all my Mom had to do was call me by first & middle names, and I knew I was in a world of hurt!
     
  4. 76_TypeLT

    76_TypeLT Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    yeah, that point really made me think, as well as the "discipline vs punishment" idea. Everyone provided good feedback, that is what I really needed. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me or dislike me, although there's plenty of time for them to dislike me when they are teenagers :rolleyes:. I think a lot of parents want to be their kids' friends and that isn't what the kids need. I went on a walk after lunch and thought hard about how I can be a better discipliner; yelling and being angry isn't the key, especially when they are being defiant rather than doing something truly malicious. I need to continue to reason with them and make them UNDERSTAND why they need to act differently, not "scare" them into acting a certain way.
     
    Peck likes this.
  5. jaymancds

    jaymancds Veteran Member

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    I have no kids, however as a thick headed kid myself (I'm 20 now) I always pushed the limits. When I went to far a swift and fierce butt whoopin was the cost. Got more licks than I can count, and deserved more than i got. I was raised by an authoritarian in every sense of the term and although I hated it at the time, I am incredibly thankful for it now. Discipline equals freedom doesn't only apply to management. Teach him now or there will be hell to pay later. Right now he is moldable and small, when he's 16 and your size, it will be impossible to fix anything.
     
  6. 77Z28454

    77Z28454 Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    I have twin three year old girls so I think I come from a place that can relate as well as most people could. For me personally anger and spanking aren't even on the radar this young. They are much much to young in my opinion. That in no way implies I don't think some kids certainly need that level eventually. I think you are on the right track thinking about it as discipline. I think of it as guidance and I try very hard to let them know when they are being good so they understand both sides of the deal. I do get frustrated but I really try hard and not get angry I don't think it's productive and where do I even go from there? More angry? It's just not a good plan in my opinion. I'm not sure I buy into the you can't be friends with your kids either. I can understand what people mean by that but anyone in my life that's a true friend doesn't give me a free pass to not act right and not treat people properly. I have tons of fun with my kids they are my best friends but I still have very big expectations of them and their behaviour.

    Edit, I actually find it helpful to plan out the inevitable sometimes. Like I know if I am going to be with them for a long period of time they WILL argue and fight about some toy at some point. I'll plan out my reaction in a time of peace so that when it happens I'm totally prepared and don't get lost in my own frustration/emotions.
     
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  7. COPO

    COPO Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    Get your kids to watch Leave It To Beaver. Every episode has a lesson. When I was growing up in the 50's and 60's, I got the belt if I screwed up.
     
  8. Lars_2Gen

    Lars_2Gen Veteran Member

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    I'm a dad, two boys 8 and 10. And I'm a social psychologist...

    1st off, god help the kids of a psychologist!

    2nd there had been a lot of good advice about boundaries. My boys understand that when I say something I mean it, and it will happen. Don't offer a punishment unless you are willing to go through with it.

    3rd, know the difference between reward and punishment. It may sound simple, but many parents don't realize that what they are doing is a punishment. Use rewards as motivation. Also, follow through on your rewards if they earn them.

    Have fun with your kids, but maintain your boundaries. This can be a tough balance.

    Sounds like you're on your way!
     
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  9. Happy_Dan

    Happy_Dan Veteran Member

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    Some great advice on this thread, it should be published!
    One thing to add after reading about getting mad. I tried not to discipline when I was mad, because it would be about ME and not them. I was not always successful and here is the part that makes me smile now.

    My kids tell me when they were young, they knew they crossed the line when I yelled loud enough to ring the doorbell with my voice. LOL.
     
  10. budro6968

    budro6968 Veteran Member

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    I Will give my 2 cents. One thing about sending them to bed or bath is not something that is a good idea. Then they will have some association will bed time and discipline. The Time out in the corner is probably one of the best things. There has to be a time limit though. I think no more than 2 or 3 mins. If the child is falling asleep while in the corner it is too long. Their attention span is the point here. They have to know that boundary and remember the reason for being punished. I have one Daughter now 35. She used to do the fall on floor kick and cry when sent to the corner. I let her do that a little while then said your time starts when you stand up and put your nose in the corner. Well she quit, hopped up and stuck her nose in the corner and gave me a side glance. I was like uh huh. I have 2 Girls now at 13 and 11. I did the early spanks with them and the same time out as well. They are really well behaved kids. The funny thing about spanking. I only did it maybe 3 times but they remember it well. Never used the belt like I got. just the swat with the hand. Maybe about 3 or 4 in a row. There is no hand book to go by. My sister is a special Ed teacher with all kind of degrees. She is the one that got me to do the time out thing. I know it was a good tool for me. Good luck.
     

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