Need advise on dealing with young kids and defiant behavior

Discussion in 'The BS Topic' started by 76_TypeLT, Dec 10, 2018.

  1. Da_Raabi

    Da_Raabi Veteran Member

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    I've got 3 girls, oldest is 4, middle turns 3 in January, youngest is one. We've got another on the way, and boy am I ever hoping for that boy!

    Anyway, I'm old school. Neither my wife or I shy away from spankings or time out for either of our older girls (obviously not the one year old though). Our oldest is DEFINITELY pushing boundaries, and the 2-year old is kinda glomming onto it. However, whenever we go out we always get compliments on how well behaved our kids are. They can get out of hand at home, but they always do well when out and about / at church etc.

    I guess we would be considered "tough" parents, but I'm ok with that. I'd rather my girls know what consequences are and understand that if they push, they won't like the results.

    The real key is to balance the punishment/discipline with love. I love those girls to the end of days, and they know it. I'd do anything for them, including giving them a whooping for misbehaving. So far it seems to be working.
     
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  2. 76_TypeLT

    76_TypeLT Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    When I say this I mean it in the way that some parents want to be friends with their kids first and then parents second (if at all). I agree that parents and their kids can't be friends in the sense of having fun, enjoying life, etc. I would not expect a friend to discipline me like I would discipline my kids. But this is probably more semantics than anything. :)
     
  3. 76_TypeLT

    76_TypeLT Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    In retrospect I agree that bath/bed as punishment is not the best approach, which we have done only a few times. Using that as punishment is really what got me to post this thread since I was questioning its effectiveness. I want bath and bed to be positive experiences, so you make a good point. The first step on our stairs is the "naughty step" and he does not like going there when he is bad, so that is essentially his bad corner of the room. If he can't calm down then we have him go to his room to throw his tantrum. Once he calms down then we have a talk and hug it out. We try not to pull the trigger too quickly on sending him to the "naughty step" or his room as we'd rather talk it out and make him understand what he is doing is unacceptable. But as you all said there has to be limits and once that limit is crossed then we have to take action, i.e. consequences will occur. But we give him chances to figure it out before we go to step #2.

    Funny/cute thing about him when he has to go to his room. Once he is calm he will lay on the floor and cover himself up with these small blankets like that is is his happy place. When I go in his room and see that it's really hard to be mad at him anymore.
     
  4. 76_TypeLT

    76_TypeLT Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    Congrats on #4!

    I will say our kids do really well when they are outside the home. I can take both my kids to any store and they behave really well. So I have to consider they are soaking in what we teach them.

    Re: spankings, this might be getting too deep, but my dad used to spank (borderline beat) me and my step-siblings (and our mom...) and it's more about not wanting to be like my dad in that regard. I am not passing judgement on anyone who spanks but providing some insight why we choose not to.
     
  5. tom3

    tom3 Veteran Member

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    Your kids will be fine. Having two parents who care is the main factor. Even if you screw it up some making the effort and love will win out.

    My one thing was that NO means NO. Anything else might have some leeway, and I hardly ever actually said no, but that was the last word. Maybe, we'll see, don't think so, etc might be worth pestering me some more. And if I saw one of them heading for big trouble I could holler NO and they'd stop in their tracks too, paid off a couple times there.

    Enjoy this time, might not seem like it but it doesn't last long and you'll miss it. My boys are 38 and 40, doing fine, in spite of our screwups.
     
  6. carr911

    carr911 Veteran Member

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    Kids need to understand that you love them but you are not "Friends"
     
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  7. Todd80Z28

    Todd80Z28 Moderator Staff Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    My 2c...

    - If you're asking and contemplating your parenting technique, you're probably doing it right.
    - Reinforce the behavior you wish to see. Positive begets positive, negative the same.
    - I'm not really a spanker either, nor is my wife. Not fundamentally opposed per se, but like you, I had a step parent and belt situation when I was younger, and just wasn't going down that road. Plus, I'm generally of the opinion that if you find you need to spank even somewhat often, you've ultimately failed to get your point across.
    I will say I have near-zero tolerance for tantrums. Luckily, my kids weren't really like that. My daughter (oldest) tried it a few times, one time we left her rolling on the floor in Target :), but usually I would get down at their eye level and just say "knock it off." Probably not the best technique for letting them figure out their feelings, but hey, everyone has their limitations, and that was mine.

    I don't think there's any one right answer, but the biggest point is above- the simple fact that it's on your mind a lot probably means they'll be just fine.
     
  8. Fbird

    Fbird Veteran Member Lifetime Gold Member

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    3 wonderful boys here....whew
    all still alive. 10,12,14.7 ....
    consistent consistent consistent.....thats all you can be. YOU ARE DAD!!!....not their buddy, not their friend, not their playmate..... DAD!!! ( i am BBD ...Big Bad DAD)
    I might be a bit more harsh than MANY....but as I explain to my boys "My job is to love you and teach you the skill sets for YOU to accel at ANYTHING YOU CHOOSE as you navigate the changing world around us". Sometimes an "attention getter is required".. again there is ALWAYS time for a teaching moment!!!!
    The discipline NOW....VERBAL!! they have each had a time when they didn't WANT to sitdown....but those are.were few and far between.
    I try to be open with my boys...I was lil boy ONCE TOO!!! I do have a clue about what a 14.7 yr old boy might think about the 13 yr old girl in the flag core skirt...;)
    Lastley... LEAD BY EXAMPLE.
    They will learn 10000x more by WATCHING YOU ...than you will ever be able to tell them ;)
    Just remember it's NOT what you say or HOW you say things to them (discipline) that lasts...... it is how YOU made them FEEL at that moment....that lasts a lifetime. Always always let hem KNOW...good bad indifferent... that you love them.
     
  9. younda

    younda Veteran Member

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    100% true
     
  10. Phil G

    Phil G Veteran Member

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    My Mother was raised with the belt. Pop wasn't. She administered punishment almost daily. First it was whatever she could lay her hands on. Sticks in the yard, metal flyswatters turned around to hit with the handle, broom sticks. She tried a yardstick once but it snapped in half! Then when I was about three she switched to the belt. Whenever she got tired or frustrated she got angry. If I crossed her path I got the belt. Didn't matter where we were. Grocery store, Rich's (she put the belt in her purse every time we left the house). She would dig her claws in my shoulder and wail away...

    When I was about 14 she started in on me one day. I don't remember what triggered it. Most of the time I didn't know what I had done "wrong" because she never said. That time instead of letting her whip me I stood and faced her. That enraged her and she tried to slap me in the face with it. Out of pure reflex I grabbed it and stuck my thumb in the loop (she doubled it over, had worn out two on me by then and was working on a third). She tried to yank it out of my grip with two hands. I leaned over and looked her in the eye and said: "You're never going to hit me again!"

    She didn't, or my younger Brother either (although HE didn't get the belt nearly as often as *I* did). The verbal abuse didn't stop though and will probably continue until her heart stops (she's 90, I just turned 60). I'll never have kids. Bro has twins (boy and girl) and they don't get the belt and are now 15.

    One time when they were 2 or 3 and "acting up" a bit Mom said: "I'll spank you!" and Bro said: "NO YOU WON'T!".
     
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