Bad jokes..... NWS

[xten]

Why Older Men Don't Get Hired

Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man: "My honesty."
HR Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man: "I don't give a f#ck what you think."

 

[xten]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 

[xten]

NO SEX AFTER SURGERY

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital,

saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.


A hospital spokesman replied:

"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.

All we did was correct his eyesight."

 

[xten]

• 
  Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
  
  One said, " think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
  
  
  “I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?”
  
  
  "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
  
  Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "
  
  “Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”
  

 

[PaRoadDawg]

My 11 year old daughter told me this one earlier:

What does nail polish and panties have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

SMDH.

 

[Peck]

Oh buddy, how’s your baseball swing or your shot? Good luck, I dread my daughter getting older haha.

 

[GoldenOne7710]

They say a woman's work is never done....and they wonder why they get paid less.

 

[xten]

Why Italians can't be Paramedics





Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, “I think Sal is dead! What should I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he’s dead." There is a silence.

And then a gun shot is heard. Vinny’s voice comes back on the line,"Okay… Now what"?

 

[xten]

Fighter Pilot Larry


A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry’s whore ...

 

[xten]

Racial Profiling...

I was standing at the bar in the Montreal Airport when this small

Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.


I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like
Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?


He says "No, I don't and furthermore, why the hell would you ask me
that? Is it because I'm Chinese?"


“No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!"