Bad jokes..... NWS

[xten]

My Only Day of Employment after Retirement.
I retired from my long successful career, but became bored. I decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store. After landing my new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day .
Here is my story...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
Here is her picture:

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just f#cking stupid?"
I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone would f#ck you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us".
My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Be safe.

 

[xten]

Touche'
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor
of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the
garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in,
and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over,
and then whispered to the mechanic.......

"Try doing it with the engine running.”

 

[dave@ztech]

 

[ol' grouch]

A couple got married and after the reception came the wedding night. After consummating the marriage, the husband got up and got a pair of his pants from the suit case. He talked his 5 foot, 90 pound new wife into putting them on. He was 6'4 and 250 pounds. He asked her if they fit. She replied, "Well honey, you know they don't". He answered, "Just remember who wears the pants in this family." Whereupon, she got a pair of her skinny jeans out and asked him to put them on. He struggled but had no success. He then said "I can't get in your pants". She replied, that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude mister!

 

[Coadster32]

I thought this thread was for bad jokes. There is some really funny posts here for certain!

 

[Thomas Clark]

What does a fat girl and a moped have in common?

They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see!

 

[Smokey15]

Two guys are out fishing. After opening a cold beer, one of them pulls out a big cigar and starts hunting through his pockets and tackle box for a lighter, to no avail. He looks over at his buddy and asks, "Do you have a lighter?" His buddy says "Sure, right in my tacklebox." He reaches in and pulls out the biggest lighter he has ever seen. He asks, "Where did you get this?". To which his buddy replies "From my genie." "Ya right" the guy says, "Seriously, where did you get this?" His buddy says "I have a genie in my tacklebox" and proceeds to call the genie out. They guy is overwhelmed in disbelief. After a moment, he asks "Can I get a wish?' The buddy says "Sure, I'll let you try one" So the guy says "I wish for a million bucks" Suddenly the sky is darkened by a million ducks flying over. The guy looks at his buddy and says "I think your genie may be a bit deaf?" To which his buddy replies "Gee, do you think so? You really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"

 

[ol' grouch]

An old one from when I drove a truck up in Minnesota, doncha' know!

Sven and Olie were fishing one spring. Sven fell out of the boat. He didn't come back up either. Olie reached into the water and started reaching around. Finally, he felt a collar and pulled him back aboard. He wasn't breathing! Olie started mouth to mouth. Finally he said "Whew! That coffee you had this morning sure did go sour! Wait a minute, you weren't wearing a snowmobile suit!"

 

[xten]

Here's a sad example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations:


A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs. of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion.


He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.


What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans.


This just goes to show you how one minor mistake can ruin your life.


Thoughts and prayers for him and his family.


He is really a great guy, but more importantly a brilliant veterinarian.

 

[xten]

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked.


He answered, "in 1967. Why do you ask?"


"You were in my class!" I exclaimed


He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked me, "What class did you teach?"